Just one of those days.

For those that take time out to visit my space, I sincerely apologize for the infrequent posting.
Life has thrown yet another curve ball my way and as of next week, I will no longer be a North Carolina resident / IBM employee; I've decided to hand in my resignation and of course with my family in tow, relocate ...back home to NYC!!!!

After 3 years and a half hearted attempt to resume my undergraduate studies, it is time for much needed change. The familiarity of home and my large extended family are exactly what the doctor ordered. The opportunities for my family, as a whole, are immense and we are looking forward to all that lies ahead.


On to the topic at hand...

I am not a patient person. More importantly, I do not purport myself to be one.
I have an EXTREMELY low tolerance for bullshit ...in any form. Quick tongued and often harsh, I've put major effort into relaxing, evaluating each and every situation from as many perspectives as possible so as to avoid making snappish decisions and hurting those that matter most. As of late, the trigger on my bullshit meter has become that much more sensitive and old habits have reared their respective heads.
Often times I'm left wondering if I overreact. More often than that, I'm left feeling like others are desensitized and have resigned themselves to letting things slide rather than dealing so as to avoid unpleasant situations.
I thrive on the unpleasant as conflict is my comfort zone. I can count on one hand the number times I've failed to come out on top, though as I write this, I'm unsure as to whether or not that is an attribute entirely positive. What does it say about my character?

In addition to the aforementioned, I'm a control freak ...tenacious ...aggressive - and I have yet to master the art of applying these personality traits in a manner conducive to ...anything.
Don't get me wrong, I can, AND DO, keep them in check however, have been known to throw all that decorum shit out the window and go in hard ...quite frequently lately.

Ugh. I don't know where I'm going with all of this.
I'm just in a bad mood and out of chardonnay - it's that time of the month and lemonade isn't cutting it.

I'll be back - I hope.

Random tidbits until I post again ...which will be tomorrow ...hopefully, lol.

I am exhausted.
Between my promotion of sorts and my home life, there is never enough time in the day.

I have yet to complete this week's laundry and what has been washed / dried has been sitting, rumpled no less, in various baskets throughout the house. I have resorted to completing rote HR tasks after hours and have yet to unpack / settle in to my second office space to my liking. My nails, eyebrows, eye lashes and highlights have yet to be retouched and it doesn't seem like I'll be able to fit them in this weekend. I can't tell you the last time Garvey has been to the park and I havent picked up his K-9 Advantix and HeartGuard for the month yet. Oh and the family and I haven't spent any QT together in the last few weeks. Maybe we'll hit up the movies this weekend.
UGH.

Tonight we had Chinese and after everyone was fed and the dog walked, I napped until 9:30.
Save for the minor neck ache I was left with ...it was splendid and I don't forsee having any problems going right back to sleep around bed time.


Oh, guess who got their BlackBerry ....and from the job no less.
I did ...and its fab.

Yes, the BlackBerry 8830 CDMA / GSM World Edition.
...and I don't even have a passport so that's another 'To Do' to add to the list.

I'm going to get it together y'all. Soon.

See, this is why Barack doesn't do it for me ...I can't sell my soul for the promise of better days to come.

I can not settle it within myself to wholeheartedly stand behind anyone who can only advocate for 'civil unions'.

Civil union - a legally recognized institution that serves to provide same sex couples with rights, benefits, and responsibilities SIMILAR to that of heterosexual marriage.

That is not ...and never will be progress and / or 'change we can believe in'. I'll believe change when I see it ...and right now, I don't see a damned thing. It's the same old line, different salesman (or woman) every time. Until we as a people can understand that simply by virtue of the fact that we all live, breathe and bleed the same way, and WE ARE ENTITLED to ALL rights, protections and opportunities afforded to everyone else, i.e. heterosexuals (yeah, its pretty much us vs. them) ...we will continue to fall short of hitting the equality mark for real.

As it is a civil rights issue, I will in some instances compare it to the Civil Rights Movement and say that it is the equivalent of saying ....'Well you don't have to sit in the back of the bus anymore ...you can sit next to me, in the middle.'
Don't blow smoke up my ass because that shit isn't good enough.



I am not a card carrying rider of the Gore train but I will say this, above all others ...he'd have my vote.



We need someone to have balls big enough to say ...'they deserve to be treated fairly. With the same respect that I would want for myself.' Period.

Fuck the white and Black Christian vote. Fuck the people that think their shit don't stink and that having affairs, molesting children, abusing federal money, and taking trips in and out of rehab for 5 minutes at a time cures you, etc. ...is better than being a dyke / faggot.
...but that won't win you an election.

Again, Obama knew what he had to do.

And what other options do 'we' have? Who do we stand a better chance with ...someone who refuses to recognize our humanity in the same capacity as their own ...or someone who is willing to throw 3/4 of the bone our way?

All I'm saying is we shouldn't have to settle for less.
Think about where we would be with regard to the Civil Rights Movement if we said 'Ok, we'll take the middle of the bus. Ok, y'all can go to school Monday through Friday ...we'll take Saturday and Sunday. No, I don't need affirmative action ...I'll dig myself out the of never ending hole of disparity based on hundreds and hundreds of years of racial inequality that was forced upon us. Fuck it ...y'all got it and we'll take whatever we can get.'

Granted it would be one small, small step in the right direction but damn, ...that shit makes me ill.
Bitch assed catch 22.

A little less of me in '08: 2.0 The better version.

17 days ago I declared there would be a little less of me in '08 and that I'd be active in my mission to 'lose weight and get my body into a shape I feel most comfortable with before my 25th birthday'. To date, I've worked out once and am not happy about it. **Note that the 'once' I'm referring to was today and damn it felt good to do some yoga.

I love yoga. No, really I do. People underestimate the power of yoga but when done properly, that shit will have you burning, aching and more sweaty than running ...but in a good way.
Russell Simmons tapped into something wonderful. Psh, I wish I had my very own Porchla Coleman and could get a few beach side lessons of my own. ;) I guess I'll have to settle for the 7 episodes of my favorite yoga t.v. show I have on DVR. Trust, I'll put them to good use.

Oh, and I really need to stop claiming veganism.
I do not eat ...and probably will not ever go back to eating... dairy products, eggs, poultry and red meat, but damn it if I haven't been eating seafood like ...daily!!! Blackened salmon, fried tilapia, shrimp, scallops and flounder are the devil and have totally thrown me off track ...and I never even liked seafood! To this day the smell of tuna makes my stomach churn, ugh.

Let's be clear, while I am, and always will be, an advocate for the ethical treatment of animals, IN LIFE AND IN DEATH, I did not go vegan for them. I just happened to get my hands on a copy of
Skinny Bitch: A no-nonsense, tough love guide to savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous! ...and baby let me tell you, the juicy tidbits they let you in on are enough to have you cleaning house that night; straight second guessing everything you put in your mouth. I loved it!!! ...it's a must read.

So why did I go vegan? I went vegan because 95% of what the local supermarket has for sale is trash full of hormones, covered in pesticides and I wanted to improve my quality of life, starting with what I put in it. Just eliminating dairy from my diet has made my skin clearer, I no longer suffer with acid reflux and overall just FEEL BETTER. Seriously, try not eating ANY dairy for a week and I'm telling you, you'll noticed a marked difference. Besides, soy alternatives are to die for ...just visit your friendly, neighborhood Trader Joe's; good quality vegan and organic products at affordable prices.

Anyways, I don't want to sound like an infomercial and I sure as hell am not getting paid to advertise. Long story short, going vegan was a decision I will never regret and plan to go back to as soon as I can work this fish thing out of my spirit.

Back to 'less of me'.

From today on, I won't be claiming less of me ...just a better me. I'm sexy ...curvy to be damned and full/firm in all the right places. Even the kids think so and I'd hate to let that go. While losing weight, say 20 lbs., would be nice, I'm way more concerned with getting healthy, tight and toned just in time for my summer birthday bash.

...and who did I think I was kidding??? Give up leather boots, shoes, jackets and purses? Who, Sapphic???

What??? Absurd.

Hey QKoC ...I see you!!!
bless

The Politics of Self Identification

I do not find solace in being ‘safe’.
It’s actually an experience quite the opposite for me; unnerving to say the least.
Repressive. Confining. Fictitious.


I don’t enjoy passing by virtue of my inherently feminine nature.
I can not wear my sexuality on my sleeve in the same manner that some of my more masculine female, feminine male, androgynous and everything in between ** thereby ‘presumably obvious’ ** counterparts do. For that I am, I don’t know …sorry.
Sorry in that I often wish I could wear my love for queer / gay / lesbian / SGL women, F2Ms, transgenders and transvariants as if it were my smile.

Jealous too.
Jealous in that I often feel relegated to putting forth extra effort to proclaim my existence. Whether it be verbal, written, on a t-shirt or otherwise I hate having to inform the masses.



Sexuality, sexual preference and gender identity shouldn’t be presumed.
…don’t I sound delusional, lol?



I do enjoy defying perceptions though.
The furrowed brows, gasps, embarrassment and looks of disdain.
I enjoy being the ‘other’. A disruption of the heteronormative flow.
It makes my blood rush.

I hate the questions though. I loathe them.

‘But why?’

…I’m sorry, what is it that you don’t understand?

More often than not I get that from heterosexual men; baffled by the thought that I’m not interested in all they have to offer me.



I am a femme.
I adore hair / nail salons, false lashes, 4” heels, purse shopping and makeup.

black nationalist. black feminist. non conformist. queer.

I don’t care to identify though a label, even one that is self imposed, but I am often left feeling like I have no other choice.



I went to the supermarket tonight and among other things, the male cashier called me ‘Ma’ more times than I could count. His voice was markedly different with me than with the customer before …dropped an octave or so lower. His eye lids seemed heavier ...bedroom I'm guessing.
His juvenile attempts at flirting.

I didn’t have the energy to set him straight but I didn’t entertain him either…no smile, eye contact. Nothing.
I’m sure he had a few choice words for me when he realized I was blatantly ignoring him.

I paid and left.


…but I passed.
I was angry with myself afterward.

A little less of me in '08 ...just a little.

It's been a while since I last visited this blog. I guess its only fitting that my first blog of the New Year expound on changes I'd like to make.


I have a serious snacking problem.
This year I will be, and remain, committed to losing weight and getting my body into a shape I feel most comfortable with, BEFORE my 25th birthday.
Currently, I weigh about 180 lbs and wear a size 12 comfortably; I have for the last 2 or 3 years with no change in either direction. I guess that is a good thing, lol.

Ideally, I would like to weigh no less than 160 to 165 lbs and be no smaller than a size 8. I adore every last one of my curves and would hate to lose them. That skinny thing IS NOT for me, and if I must say so myself, my weight is generously distributed in all the right places. That being said, I guess my main concern would be toning up, particularly my stomach and legs.

I had a Gold's Gym membership ...well, still do through March. I pay a fairly large amount monthly but can not tell you when I visited the gym last. September ...maybe.

Embarrassing.
The 1,200 spent on that membership could have been applied toward a good elliptical machine. Something I've been wanting for a while now. **Note that if you'd like to contribute to my funds, I do take tips.

Once my contract is up with Gold's, I'm buying an elliptical. Period.
In the meantime, I'll revisit my Yoga Booty Ballet DVDs, my Hydroxycut, adhere to a STRICT vegan diet, drink nothing but water whenever possible and look into local yoga studios with late classes and flexible schedules.

Let the countdown begin.

Beloved

"Here in this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard. Yonder they do not love your flesh. They despise it. They don't love your eyes; they'd just as soon pick em out. No more do they love the skin on your back. Yonder they flay it. And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face 'cause they don't love that either. You got to love it, you!"

"... This is flesh I'm talking about here. Flesh that needs to be loved. And the beat, beat, of your heart... Love it. More than the lungs that need yet to breathe free air. More than the womb, which holds life. More than the private parts that give life. Love your heart. This... this is the prize. Amen. This the prize... Amen!"

"Let the children come. And let your mothers hear you laugh."
-Beah Richards as 'Baby Suggs' in Beloved

I can only hope the dialogue is somewhat close to that of the film as would hate to do a disservice to what I believe is one of its most powerful scenes. Seeing as how it was taken from the internet and much to my dismay, I can not recall it verbatim, I will have to rely on the help of others.

I consider myself an avid movie watcher. I even have the heavily used netflix.com subscription to prove it. Foreign and subtitled, drama, horror, documentary, 'stupid comedy' and most everything in between ...at some point, I've watched them all.

There are very few movies able to evoke tears or any other visceral reaction beyond an initial viewing, if even at all. Most that do usually have something to do with race, gender or sexuality; issues to which I am inextricably bound. Rosewood, The Women of Brewster Place **Shut up!!! I love that movie** and The Color Purple being prime examples as I cry every time I watch them. Another came to mind today and I was glad.

Beloved, the film, didn't necessarily do well. It only made a total of $28,000,000 whereas the novel won a Pulitzer Prize and although loosely based on the life of Margaret 'Peggy' Garner, is, according to a survey of 125 'eminent authors and critics' by The New York Times, considered the best work of american fiction in the past 25 years. See the 1987 review here.
Toni Morrison's irrefutable brilliance aside as I am dealing with performance not word, Beah Richards is absolutely breathtaking in this scene.
I kissed my own hands.

Also, if you haven't already seen it, I implore you to watch Beah: A Black Woman Speaks at some point in the near future. Directed by Lisa Gaye Hamilton, it's an award winning documentary birthed from over 70 hours of taped conversation on Beah Richards life and career.

bless

Racist overtones, "pseudo intellectuals", generalizations, misconceptions and plain old stupidity.

I read Bossip daily. It's often hilarious.

Today I came across this gem they posted quoting the Post's Page Six.

========================================

"Carrie Bradshaw’s “Mr. Big” from Sex and the City, is having a baby with longtime girlfriend Tara Wilson (See photo above). Via Page Six:

“SEX and the City” star Chris Noth is about to be a baby daddy. Noth’s live-in girlfriend, actress Tara Wilson, is “about five months along”. The couple is not engaged and has no immediate plans to marry.

Aww, who knew Big was down with the brown, congrats to them."

========================================

Our clipped banter has been quite entertaining to say the least.

My initial comment:

Does the fact that she is Black necessitate “baby daddy” rather than father / daddy? …and this is what newspapers print.
Racist bullshit.

...and yes, I do post under my own name.

Happy Friday!!!

Fuck the vote!!!

I sat on this for a few days ...wondering about the implications and really mulling it over. It's been difficult to reconcile within myself, to say the least.

As a nationalist, I'd love to see a black man in office. Yeah, I'm a feminist ...a Black feminist and I know Hillary will never be given a pass. EVER.
That aside ...I'm queer and this coming election means more with regard to my fundamental rights as such.



In short, Fuck Barack Obama!!!!!



Taking Donnie 'ex-gay' McClurkin, Hezekiah Walker and Mary Mary on the road was not the way to go you fucking dummy.
...AND a lame ass attempt at damage control via a statement with respect to you not sharing his same views and toting the token gay ***but white*** Rev. Andy Sidden means nothing, particularly when homophobia in the Black community is the issue AND you could have taken Michael Eric Dyson and /or 2 gay pastors with you on your concert series to attempt to bridge the gap.

Can't fault your hustle game though.
You knew what you had to do to win over the Black south.

Asshole.

Meet Garvey.

...like Marcus Garvey as that is his namesake. Big, strong, broad, powerful, serious, formidable.
All things obvious in the way that Garvey carries himself.

He growls, grunts, barks, huffs, runs, twitches and grinds his teeth ...all in his sleep while in the real world, he proffers as much protection as a wilting house plant; he's nothing more than decoration.

Soft, cuddly, timid, EXPENSIVE, passive, spoiled rotten, whiny and overly friendly ...the only way he'd harm you would be to crush you under his massive weight. See, Garvey has it in his head that he's a lap dog and if left undeterred, he will climb up in your lap for a nap. I've often let him do it and have pretty much created the monster that is Garvey, The Inept Watch Dog.

I'd like to think that he'll rise to the occasion if the need ever presented itself, but I'm not so sure.



I'll be the first to admit, Garvey does not live a life conducive to that of a large breed dog. A 3 year old, 80 lb., Lab Mix should have access to a huge backyard, take long walks daily and visit the park regularly. Garvey gets / does none of that. More often than not, his days are spent tucked off into a corner asleep and when he is active, he's amazingly clingy, attention starved and annoyingly hyperactive. You WILL play fetch, by choice or default and in one way or another, there WILL be physical contact.

He's taken to depositing his slobbery tennis ball in your lap so even if you don't want to play, you end up tossing it away and there is his cue to repeat the process OR he'll rub up against your legs as if he were a cat so that you'll touch him ...even if it is to shoo him away, never mind the fact that he is a shedding animal *ugh - he didn't always do that, it started about 6 months after I got him and by then I was attached* whose feet smell like a fresh bag of Frito's as soon as it's around about that time for him to visit the groomer.
Fortunately, he doesn't have dog breath.

Garvey is stupendous.

I adore him. We have our very own ritual greeting when I get home from work. It consists of him charging at me, full speed, like a ball out of a cannon, hugs, rubs, pats, various pet names and a walk directly across the street for him to pee. *yes, his walks should be longer but I don't have time. I walk him until he does his business, I clean up and we head home - at least 3 times a day* Afterward, he's usually ready to eat his too large dinner *on our last two visits, his vet informed me that Garvey could stand to "slim down a bit" - I like to eat, my family likes to eat ...WE EAT. No one in my company will EVER go hungry, Garvey included*.

My one complaint with Garvey is he has too human tendencies. He doesn't bark AT ALL, EVER but when he does ummmm, communicate, for lack of a better word, it's almost as if he's mimicking human speech. Scary to say the least.

Oh, and he sleeps like people do ....on pillows, with blankets, etc. Long story short, Garvey has taken over in a lot of respects, totally flipped my household upside down. I mean I can't even go out after work unless I want to come home to a brown surprise - and that ain't happening.

Did I say one complaint?
I lied.

I'm sure I can come up with several others but the one that takes the cake is as follows:

Garvey has ....shall we say, a sensitive stomach. Any little thing can set him off and he won't eat / drink for a while and back when we first got him, it raised a lot of concern and made for several trips to the vet *thank the creator for Banfield and their doggie health care plans*. This long story short, Garvey vomits ...often. As a matter of fact he did twice yesterday and once today ...but it is fairly early so that isn't saying much.

He's like a grown man after a night of heavy drinking and a few White Castle burgers too many.
...and I don't appreciate having to keep a plastic bag handy to stick his head in just in case he starts heaving, which he does for about 3 minutes before he actually erupts *blah*. I don't even get that kind of personal treatment and I shouldn't have to do that for a dog.
It's gross.

I love him though.
We're complicated *sigh*.

Frustrations

I'm tired ...of so many things.

Too tired to expound on them right now.