I read my horoscope today ...the first time in several weeks. I was forced to internalize the following:
"You can be proud of yourself today, since you probably have good reason to be pleased with your accomplishments. As others notice and acknowledge your work, you could be feeling very satisfied. Giving yourself praise is as important as anyone else offering positive feedback, if not more so. If we ourselves don’t believe what is being said to us, it will not have the impact that it is meant to have, which ought to be taken as a gift that is being offered. Many times our inner critics are the loudest voices that echo in our heads from our earliest days, and they don’t need to be true for us to listen to them. But when we acknowledge our own hard work and our satisfaction with a job well done, those voices begin to quiet with each triumph until they fade away completely. Today by allowing yourself to take pride in your work, you honor the truth of your abilities and strengths."
~Many times our inner critics are the loudest voices that echo in our heads from our earliest days, and they don’t need to be true for us to listen to them.
To say that I'm hard on myself would be an understatement. I am without a doubt my own worst enemy.
Since my abrupt departure from academia I've done nil with regard to claiming my right to aspire to a higher degree of ...anything, not that I have much of an option as my transcripts are being held hostage in lieu of a $12,000 debt owed directly to the State University of New York at Buffalo. *Insert 'F*** UB' here* It seems I've almost resigned myself to bend under the weight of my mounting personal disappointments. I managed to complete 3 1/2 years of course work in a matter of 4 1/2, all while pretty much damning my credit to hell ...so much so that the 6 months and $24,000 I am shy have become my very own dream deferred and am now one of IBM's factotums.
The joy that is life after college, lol.
I often feel detached from all that is. Resorting to contacting old professors I developed friendships with for the purposes of having them forward their current syllabi and reading lists so that I'll have something to feed my brain with. Pathetic, I know ...but wait it gets worse.
...I've never even opened the attachments they've sent.
What's interesting is while attending college, the thought of others proffering their degrees as a badge of honor replulsed me. I refused to delude myself into believeing a piece of paper validated my intellectual existance ...and I still don't.
...but I do.
My lack of a degree, in any form, knocks the wind out of me, daily. For many, having just a Bachelors is last season to say the least ...and as it stands, I'm a semester shy of one. I've managed to fall behind in the race of the 'Talented Tenth' with no idea of how I am to follow what is fast becoming a pipe dream Ph. D.
Now before you take it there, hell no I don't look down my nose at anyone who doesn't have a piece of paper granting them the special previledge of working for more than $40,000 a year, hopefully with decent benefits that extend to 'domestic partnerships' ...and I wouldn't even if I had that over priced b.s. myself. I'm simply saying that it would serve to make me feel like I hadn't blown my golden years, lol; I'm not ready to turn 25 without that damn piece of paper.
Ok, ok ...back to the horoscope.
I really need to get it together in terms of appreciating what it is I have going for myself now, as well as what I know am capable of and will do ...in time.
I'm impatient ...but things could be worse.
I could be working for a company that didn't value my contribution to the team so much so that I wouldn't be able to enjoy many of the perks I do now ...like pretty much making my own hours if I actually choose to go into the office, instead of working from home. I'm good at what I do for IBM ...damn good.
I could not have gone to college at all and been left void of the many life altering experiences that forced me to stand up on my own.
I could not have been blessed with the wonderful family my partner and I have created as well as the loving, open and accepting family I have back at 'home'. They love me ...and that keeps me sane, grounded and moving ...everyday.
...I could be doing a whole lot worse.
While I don't consider my blog work, college work, course work. I appreciate the fact that it has the potential to become an outward expression of the waning writing abilities I'm trying to reclaim and desire to dive back in to what makes me happy.
I'll be back.
~Thank you again Adam ;)